They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
