is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
