tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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