I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
