my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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