Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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