so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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