He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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