Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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