Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
