i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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