you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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