Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
