I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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