was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
