its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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