So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
