do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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