I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
