I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
