Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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