Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
