my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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