I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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