Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
