My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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