You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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