there's paper in my vomit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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