Jerry, you need to find god
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
