One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
