the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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