I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is this like a preordered booty call?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
