He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize