You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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