Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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