Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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