She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
