i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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