the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
