He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
