I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
