I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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