I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
