Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
