When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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