Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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