She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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