My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
