I am puke
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
