I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
