im six kinds of drunk right now
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
