i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
