i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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