Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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