ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
