Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
