Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
