I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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