I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
