I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
